Strength At Its Weakest
by kirasometimes
Summary: Sean's always been strong, but now he can't believe he ever was. Only a trip back to Degrassi will help realize that he still can be. [One-Shot set after Back in Black. SeanEllie.]


Title: **Strength At Its Weakest **

Author: **Claddagh Ring**

Spoilers: For _Time Stands Still, parts 1 and 2 _and _Back in Black _with a slight mention to _Don't Dream It's Over._

AN: One-Shot. My first Degrassi fic, but I was so inspired by _Back in Black _and Daniel Clark's performance in it. Sean's left Degrassi, but I hope against hope that he'll be back because he is my favorite character… and one half of my favorite couple, Sean and Ellie.

Reviews: Please… I live off this stuff… and since it's my first Degrassi fic, anything you have to say will be greatly appreciated.

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"_Two months," _Sean thought as he pulled a page out of the journal his psychiatrist insisted he kept in order to fully process his emotions. He insisted that Sean would be able to understand himself if he saw it written down on paper. But really, the only thing Sean saw happening within him were the days passing right after the other as the hole in his heart became deeper. So, he had made it a post-psychiatry ritual to pull the page he had written out of his journal and throw it across the room into his trashcan.

His mother had complained once or twice about the pile of wadded up papers in and surrounding his trashcan, but he couldn't bring himself to throw them out. And since his mother hadn't actually pressed the issue, Sean felt he had no obligation to.

For the first time in a long time, Sean felt a small smile creep its way out of his lips when he thought of his parents. They really had been trying. His father had started a job to support Sean living with them again and both of them hadn't touched a drop of anything that wasn't water for two months. Oddly, he was proud of them.

But that didn't stop the ache; the ache that hadn't started losing its edge ever since he said that goodbye two months ago. He could still she the panic flashing through her green eyes the moment she figured out he wasn't going back with her and might never come back. Those same deep eyes begged him to prove her wrong, but the only thing he could do was stare back at her with his own green eyes, filled to the brim with shameful tears.

"I'm so sorry," Sean whispered into the air as if she could hear him from two hours away. "God, Ellie, I'm so sorry."

He allowed his mind to drift back to the only phone call he had made in his two months in Wasaga Beach.

_It had been nearly midnight and the third night in a row that he hadn't slept because of the nerve-wracking guilt he held for Rick and his friend and leaving it all so suddenly. He dialed his old number, wishfully thinking that she had stayed there, even if she was without him. _

_He let it ring until the machine picked up, hearing the old recording they had made as his heart dropped down his chest, realizing that she wasn't there. And that she would probably never be back. _

_The machine beeped, signaling that he could start his message and his tears welled up. He doesn't remember when he actually started talking to the old machine, but he was surprised when he realized how vulnerable his voice sounded._

"_Ellie. It's- it's me. I- I couldn't sleep and I guess I thought… hoped that you would still be here. But I guess you're not. Or maybe you are and… I don't know. Shit, I don't know anything anymore. But I- I just can't be there right now. God, I can't. They look at me like I'm this big hero and… I'm not. How can I be? I know no one will agree but I killed him. I think… the gun went off and… I don't know but I think I pulled the trigger. God, I'm a murder but because he brought the gun in the first place, I'm nothing but a saint. How screwed up is that huh? But you know what… you knew all this, didn't you? You knew what I was thinking and I wouldn't talk to you so I made you feel like crap… hell, I probably scared you too. But I'm just so screwed up right now El. I can't be there. I feel like I'm going to explode and last time I did that, I deafened Tyler. You were right, about our stories. He was doing stuff to me, like bullying me and I got tired of the crap so when he stole my lunch money- it was the first time in weeks I was actually going to get to eat lunch- I lost it. And I slugged him in the ear and… you know the rest. Point is, I just risk that happening there… around you. Because if I ever did anything to you, I'd never forgive myself. I just… I just wanted to tell you that I didn't want to leave and I didn't come here with the intention of it… it just happened… and I didn't want to leave you. I told you I loved you and I-  
_

_The tape on the machine had run out at that moment and Sean listened silently to the static on the other end of the phone. _

_That was within the first week he had been back in Wasaga Beach, and he had never tried to call her again. Or anyone else for that matter. _

But for some reason, tonight, all of his pain and grief came flooding back. His vision turned red as he saw Rick fall to the floor and a puddle of blood form around the boy's stomach. The look in his eyes told Sean that he was going to die and the only thing Sean could do was stare as the blood continued to bubble out of Rick's gut. Then, as it had happened to often in his nightmares, the blood twisted its way to a head of red hair, splayed out onto the ground beside Rick and dead, glassy looked at him. Ellie's eyes.

"DAMN IT!" Sean screamed, throwing a chair across the room. The chair shattered to pieces and knocked a cheap stereo off the wall. "GOD, DAMN IT ALL!"

Sean threw himself into a corner and pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his already tear-stained face on his knees. His body became wracked with sobs as he awkwardly and repeatedly punched the wall behind him.

"Sean?" a tentative voice whispered, followed by a gentle touch on the back of his bare neck from his mother. "Oh honey, what's wrong?"

Sean shook his head, keeping his head buried in his knees, thousands of answers racing through his mind, but none strong enough to convey what he really wanted to say. So he continued beating the wall.

"Sean, baby, stop it," his mother took his hands and held them in her own, rubbing his raw knuckles with a gentle touch only a mother can create. "Sweetie, you have to talk to me."

"I can't do it," Sean whispered so quietly that anyone would have missed it if they weren't listening for it.

"Oh baby," his mother pulled him into a fierce hug. "You're a strong boy. You can make it through. I know, I wasn't there for you for four years, but you've got me now."

"I know," Sean cried. "But it's not- it's not enough."

Sadness flashed through his mother's eyes as he muttered his response, but on some level she had already known that there was someone else he needed that wasn't there with him. She also knew that the only reason she had Sean with her for as long as she had is because he was making an effort, a visible effort to keep himself there for her.

"I love you," Sean back-tracked his thoughts as he tried to create some type of apologetic atmosphere. "I do Mom. But it's not helping being here. It didn't happen here but I keep seeing it. And to make things worse, I keep seeing her dead. Like it really happened and I can't stop. I can't make it stop."

"Baby-."

"Why won't it stop Mom?" Sean cried into her shoulder. "Why did it have to happen to me? Why did I have to be in the hall when it happened?"

"Because fate wanted you there," his mother felt the words flow out of her mouth from her heart, something that hadn't happened since that interview that had inadvertently brought her son back to her. "Sean, no one else could have done what you did. A life was taken, but no one else could have protected that girl. And it brought you back here. It's given you closure on so many things baby; with Tyler, with your father and me. You're not the same boy I gave up on. You've changed and I see how wrong I was to give up on you. But I still know that moving you away from me and your old life was the best thing for you. And now, I'm going to let you go again. You need her. So pack a bag, and I'll drive you down there, right now."

"But Mom," Sean stammered.

"Go back," his mother said softly as a lone tear fell down her cheek. "You'll be better off there. I'll be waiting in the car."

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

After a few false starts, three or four near breakdowns, and two hours later, his mother's old rundown car passed the city limits without the two having so much as spoken another word to the other. Sean had sat in the back seat, crying silently.

Truthfully, he was petrified. As hard as it had been to deal in Wasaga Beach, his worst fears began replaying themselves in his mind now that he was back in Toronto.

_They found out I pulled the trigger…_

_They're going to charge me for murder…_

_They hate me for leaving…_

_The floor's still stained red…_

_Jimmy's still in the hospital…_

_Jimmy's dead…_

_Ellie forgot about me…_

_Ellie has a new boyfriend…_

_Ellie's cutting again…_

_I'm going to go psycho on everyone…_

_I'm going to…_

"Well, where to first?" his mother asked from the front, interrupting his mental rant. "I could take you by the school if you like. Or if that's too soon…"

"No," Sean mumbled. "That's… not fine but there. Go there."

"You sure?" his mother asked as she turned down a street.

"Yeah," Sean sighed heavily, glancing out the window as hey passed a cemetery.

As if it were some kind of cruel joke, the car finally lost all its willpower and screeched to a stop… right in front of one of the obviously newer graves since the grass had yet to grow back in properly.

"_No,"_ Sean pleaded silently, his heart jumping into his throat. _"Don't stop here… not here. Just keep going. Please? _Drive!" The last word exploded out of his mouth before he realized her had even opened his mouth.

"I can't Sean, the damn car's broken down," his mother replied irritably. "At least we're in Toronto. It's not like we're that far from the school now. Sean? Sean, where are you going?"

Sean couldn't resist it. As unnerved as it made him, he had to know. Had to know whose grave he had been forced to stop in front of. He jumped over the low fence and slowly walked up until he could make out the headstone.

Rick's name stood out in big bold letter with the words "Beloved Son" underneath it.

He breathed an involuntary sigh of relief and was then immediately disgusted with himself that he was glad someone had been buried underneath his own feet.

"Sean?"

"This is him," Sean smirked bitterly. "This is the guy mom. And me… I'm worse off than he is… You know, for a minute, I almost thought this was Ellie, or Jimmy. And when it wasn't, I was relieved. What kind of person does that make me?"

"One who knows he has something to live for," his mom answered softly. "I know your hurting sweetie. But you're going to get better. And… I think maybe Rick wouldn't want to feel like you owe him anything."

"But I do," Sean shook his head. "No one ever asks why the gun was brought in the first place but it's really all their faults. Mine too. He hurt a girl… put her in a coma and then had the guts to show back up at school. So we tortured him. Until he snapped. And he… well, look what he did."

"When pushed to its limits, the human soul knows no fear, nor no ration," was the oddly insightful reply that came from his mother. "You're not at your limits Sean. Now come on, let's get you back where you belong."

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

The pair had walked the rest of the way towards the school, but now that he was looking at the somewhat intimidating doors of Degrassi C.S., Sean's shoes suddenly felt like they were full of lead. But he knew in his heart, he had to go up the stairs… and down that hall.

"Do you want me to go with you?" his mother asked, giving him his arm an affectionate squeeze.

"No," Sean forced his tears back. "I can do this. I have to."

"You're strong baby," she whispered in his ear as she gave him a hug. "Remember you were always so strong."

Sean nodded into her shoulder and slowly headed up the stairs, only pausing at the door to look back and see a reassuring smile from his mother. With that, he pushed open the door.

The halls were quiet. It's not as if he expected a welcome home greeting for his spontaneous appearance, but there was always someone in the halls of Degrassi, no matter what time it was in the school day. He slowly headed down a random hall, running his hand across the cool surfaces of the lockers. Nothing had really changed. The doors still stayed closed during class time, the locker doors still had things scrawled onto them with the latest couple's names, and every hall still looked the same. Except for one; the one.

The floor wasn't forever stained red as he had imagined it would be, but the memories were still there. But something he never expected was there also; a single bouquet of half bloomed roses was taped to his locker, Rick's locker. It was a simple act of compassion but Sean couldn't' help but smiling as he read the card addressed to Rick.

"_I could have been there, but I wasn't. I thought I could listen to you, but I turns out I never heard what you said. Though it comes too late, Rick, I counted you as friend. And I lost a friend because I could never tell you that. I'm sorry for that. And I don't care anymore… about what they say. But still, it was too late for you. I won't make that mistake again."_

It was signed by Toby, that geeky kid Sean had never really gotten to know. Sean could only imagine what kind of grief Toby was taking for it, but he had to admit the kid had guts.

Digging through his pockets, Sean pulled a pen out of his jacket and, hoping that Toby wouldn't mind, added his own thoughts to the card.

"_I never knew you. I didn't want to. I hounded you, even though I knew from experience it was wrong. And then, when I was faced with a gun, only then was I willing to give you a shot… no pun intended. I'm sorry man. I'll never know if I pulled the trigger that took your life, but I do know that my finger was one of the many that pulled the trigger on what was left of your dignity. They will never admit it, but, they're sorry too. Sean Cameron."_

Sean felt a small chip of the block he had been carrying around for two months lift off his shoulder as signed his name and wipe a tear off his cheek. He chuckled at all the crying he had done that day and continued down the hall.

Maybe it was another joke or maybe someone really has all of this planned out, but at that instant, he saw Ellie, face hidden in her hands, round the corner of the hall he had just turned into. He broke off into a run and rounded the corner as well, almost sliding into the opposite wall because of his speed.

"Ellie!" he shouted, still running after her.

Red hair flew in all directions as Ellie spun around, immediately recognizing the voice. Her face conveyed pure shock as Sean slowed to a halt in front of her.

"Hey!" Sean panted slightly, hands on his knees, catching his breath. "I-."

"Sean?" Ellie grinned widely.

"Yeah," Sean nodded, breathing in deeply before continuing. "I'm back. I need to be back and… I missed you."

"But you said on the phone-."

"You heard that?" Sean asked, eyebrows raised.

"I um- I was afraid that," Ellie stammered. "I didn't leave."

"I was wrong," Sean shook his head. "I have to be here. This is where it happened and this is where I have to deal. And this is where I have you. And I realized… I love you more I ever told you. And I need you… with me. And to help me. If- if you still want-."

Ellie threw her arms around Sean's neck and cut of his tirade with a kiss. Her lower lip caressed his and he deepened the kiss as Ellie wrapped her legs around his waist with a laugh.

It was at that moment, Sean realized that his mother was right.

It'll all change and he'll get better… stronger.

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